It’s wedding season. It is a time for newly weds to look forward and a time for those who have been married for a while to begin the journey of remembering. Looking back reminds us of that which connected us in the first place. Most likely it began with an attraction to each other. You know, there is something about the way she walks or there is something about the way he talks. In some cases it does not go any further than that, but for those who end up meeting each other at the altar it is the beginning of building a treasure chest of memories. Periodically, it is important to remember.
Memory lane should take you back to the words spoken at the altar or before the Justice of the Peace. Those words include for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and until death parts us. Those words are tied together with love, friendship and fidelity or faithfulness. Every so often it is helpful to look back and remember the original vision and mission and the core values that were embraced at the beginning of the marriage.
Now that you have created the picture, it is time to evaluate where things stand. Love is the most important aspect of your relationship. It is the glue that holds everything else together. Discuss your love for each other and include your friendship. Love should grow. Take a look at some of the things you said when you made promises to each other. Have those things become real in your marriage? Maybe one of you has been sick and the other one had to respond. Perhaps one spouse lost a job and you found out what for better or worse meant. Or the most difficult problem is setting limits for other people, places or things. In other words, every marriage needs clear boundaries. If you need to make changes, now is the time.
An important part of building a relationship is developing a marriage bond. Is there a space for just you and your spouse? It is a space where you share concerns, do short-termed and long-termed planning and engage in fair fighting. Personal marital space is largely for husband and wife, however the boundary around the spousal subsystem should not be a closed boundary, instead it should be what family systems professionals call a clear boundary. A clear boundary should be open enough to allow others to enter to offer advice and to depart, leaving the spousal boundary in place. The achievement of a healthy spousal subsystem should happen by the first or second year.
During this month respond to the following question and statements. Ask each other if there is a healthy spousal boundary in your marriage? Identify 2 or 3 concrete reasons that you can speak with confidence regarding your healthy spousal boundary. Look for ways to build a stronger spousal boundary.
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